Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
