i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
