Yo dont text me then not text me
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
