We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
