She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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