So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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