No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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