When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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