Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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