She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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