Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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