chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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