Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
