need another drink. this is the easiest way
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
