Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
