Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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