Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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