i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
