just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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