I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
