I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
