so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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