Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
