I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
