wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
