I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
