My sheets look like a crime scene.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
