I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
