She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Randomize
