he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
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Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
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Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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