I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Everything about him screamed your future.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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