i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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