He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Randomize
