You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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