You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
