She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
