I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
And the cops told us we were all naked.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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