I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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