I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
