I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
