My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
