So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
