U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
