my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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