so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
