I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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