is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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