So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Randomize
