Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
