Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
