how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
