My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
