we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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