I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Small penises have feelings too.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
