Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I've blown a few things in my day
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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